I received a lot of e-mails in regards to my article on Ask.com’s new “assume that it knows what you’re going to ask because you two have been buddies since the second grade” feature. It seems as though you all went out and gave it a try and enjoyed it thoroughly. As a reward for all of your sleuthing, I give you the second installment of Assume.com.

I had plans to riddle this digital Jesus box with questions a plenty for you this evening, but as I looked up from typing my very first inquiry I would realize that every single line would soon become my BEST RESULT.

BEST RESULT #1: Could you ever blink sideways?

I don’t see why not. If that guy from Men In Black could do it, then so could you. But then again, Tommy Lee Jones can pretty much do anything.

BEST RESULT #2: Could you escape a wooden crate?

I could. Unless of course that wood was some kind of metal, then I couldn’t.

BEST RESULT #3: Could you break a neck with a foot?

I don’t see why not. If Sayid from LOST could do it, the so could you. But then again, Tommy Lee Jones can pretty much do anything.

BEST RESULT #4: Could you purchase noodles online?

Though it is completely hysterical, I don’t quite know how this one made this list. Everyone knows you can order noodles online, but there’s only one place that you ever should, Uncle Bernard’s Fancy Noodle Cabin.

BEST RESULT #5: Could you identify a body without fingerprints?

…I’m really hoping to find a medical student at the other end of this question. Unfortunately I have a sneaking suspicion that I won’t.

BEST RESULT #6: Could you suggest a local deli?

Ironically enough Uncle Bernard’s Fancy Noodle Cabin doubles as a deli cabin. You should really check out their site…again.

BEST RESULT #6: How many bears are there?

Touche.

It’s always a great day with two scoops of raisins,

-Bryan

I was in California not too long ago with a few friends of mine and while we were there we stopped by High Voltage Tattoo, owned by none other than the love of my life Kat Von D! It’s also where they shoot the TLC series L.A. Ink. Anyway, being there got me to thinking, should I get a tattoo?

I first began toying with the idea of getting wings on my back. I soon decided that if I wanted to look like John Travolta from the summer blockbuster “Michael”, that it would be an aces decision. Alas, that movie sucked noodles. Though I do believe I could pull off the suspenders and the bringing dead dog’s back to life ability. Also, the part where he gets his face replaced with Nicholas Cage’s face was totally sweet! Actually this was a pretty good movie. Netflix it.

I knew I needed to come up with something a bit more masculine, something with a lot of punch and serious presence. That’s when I came up with this little gem. Idea numbero one, tattoo the entire cast of the series Wings on my back. Joe, Brian, Helen, the old lady, Monk, the entire crew cradled ever so delicately between my meaty chicken wings. Hell, there’s even room for that mustachioed human orb Roy Biggins. Now before I upset any die hard Wings fans out there, worry not, Lowell the lovable mentally retarded mechanic will also make an appearance in this work of art if somebody *cough* ShalhoubFan247 *cough* would just update their damn Wings fan site with some new photos! No updates since the summer of 97’ Kevin…pathetic.

In fear of never getting that photograph and not being aware of any kind of photo…shop that could magically place Lowell into the above image, I’ve had to come up with a plan B. Though I’m not a fan of the Thug Life tattoos, I am a fan of the font they use. With that, I present to you, operation tattoo idea the second one.

When people read this, they will be reading some of the finest lyrics ever written. To them it might just seem like another touching verse from Professor Diddy’s vault of unforgettable rhymes, however they would not have even begun to understand the deepness of the writing before them, which would appear on either my inner thigh or under my left bosom. This is none other than the opening verse to the television sensation Perfect Strangers.

So what’ll it be planet world? I’m leaving it up to you. The idea with the most votes at the end of the month will be tattooed onto my body!

Stand tall on the wings of your dreams,

-Bryan

(Note: This contest is not for serious. All votes will go uncounted and placed directly into the nearest trash receptacle.)

While recently on vacation in California, I happened to catch an older gentleman flirting with my girlfriend in a local deep fried poultry house. I would like to publicly apologize to the staff and surrounding customers of this fine establishment for diving through, which I have now been informed to be, a rather expensive plate glass window and ejecting this individual out of your place of business. I know now that the indivdual in question was not only a senior citizen, but a plastic representation of the beloved chicken inventor himself, Colonel Sanders.

I sincerely apologize to all parties involved for my actions, however, I have now learned that “Colonel” Sanders was never affiliated with the military in any way and was nothing but a liar and a snazy dresser!

I’ll see you in court.

The early bird gets the worm,

-Bryan

If I ever grow tired of this world and decide to end it all, I certainly don’t want to be found on the bathroom floor looking like a grizzled homeless man. Now, thanks for the fun-gineers over at Schick and the brilliant minds behind the X-Games, I need not worry. With the new Schick Quattro Titanium Trimmer, not only can you shorten those whiskers with its new adjustable 4-level trimmer, but at the same time experience the sweet release of death by slitting your own wrist with its 4 titanium coated blades conveniently placed at the other end of the device.

Now that’s extreme productivity! Thanks Schick!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away,
-Bryan

The new Ask.com is just as about as helpful as our dear friend Jeeves was and by that of course I mean it’s about as helpful as a robot built to do…nothing…ever. You still can’t get any questions actually answered, however, you can have a lot of fun with Ask.com’s new “assume that it knows what you’re going to ask because you two have been buddies since the second grade” function.

Here I began to pose the simple question “How many bears…” I then let the ATIKWYGTABYTHBBSTSG function work it’s magic.

BEST RESULT: How many bears are there?

How many bears are there…? You mean…like in the universe? Different types of bears? That’s pretty vague Ask.com. How many bears are there in my bedroom? Probably zero. I can answer that myself. My question was more along the lines of “How many bears does it take to rip through a bank vault?” Ask.com, I’m starting to think you don’t know me that well at all.

“What if I…”

BEST RESULT: What if I am a black woman?

My sincerest apologies Ask.com old friend. I doubted you for a second and you give me a firm, yet deserving, slap in the mouth hole. You remembered the one question I had always pondered as a child, “What if I am a black woman?” How would I know if I, a white male, was at this moment a black woman? Well, you won’t find your answers on the other side of a mirror sports fan! You’ll find them right here on Ask.com.

Eat your greens,
-Bryan